Saturday, June 14, 2014

Walk on the Wild Side

A year ago, because her meds were too strong, Alice forgot how to measure crab although she had been crabbing for 40 years.  Her crabbing friend loved her anyway.

This year, she's on the correct dose of the correct medication, her brain function has come back (in spades), and she can measure a big male crab with her eyes closed.  But now her crabbing friend doesn't love her anymore. 

Definitely a case of:  win some, lose some.  After pondering the situation of this "can't please any of the people any of the time" Alice decided to put all those people behind her and find a new path.

It was time to Walk on the Wild Side … while she could still walk.

There must be something to that Law of Attraction, because the day after her momentous decision, JR showed up.  As readers will remember, JR is the 30-year Marine Veteran sniper with PTSD.  Like his namesake, Jack Reacher, JR seemed to come with a certain amount of collateral damage.
 
He was protective of Alice, which was touching after a lifetime of never having a knight on a three-legged mule let alone a white stallion.  But when his “protection” included watching her at Blade Chevrolet (Alice’s favorite business in Skagit County) from the shoulder of I-5, that was a big much.  JR drives a Crown Vic, so no one paid any attention to him.  Alice, however, was totally creeped out by the whole thing when she learned what happened.

Then there are JR’s buddies.  Joe, who is a quiet Gulf War Vet who obviously saw some nasty action in the desert and was awarded the Bronze Star Medal.  Joe says little, but has a very sharp knife that he carries around … for slicing bread or removing the fuzz from a peach.  Alice likes Joe and doesn’t like peach fuzz, so they bonded instantly. 

The Admiral was a whole other story.  He wore a big cross, said he liked to be naked, drove a GTR, and picked up teen-aged girls at McDonald's.  He also had a bagful of drugs from the VA for the constant pain in his neck.  Alice found him to be a pain in the neck and told JR to lose him.
 
 

And last, but not least, is the bully from the church, who turns out to be quite a nice guy.  He and JR made up when they realized they were both Marines.  Apparently, it’s ok to bully people but not fellow Marines.  The code word is Semper Fi.  Alice now wears a button for protection.
 
Ever since she decided she was done with men forever, they began to show up in her life.  It was as if she wore a Velcro sweater, so if she walked too close to a man … whoosh,  he got sucked right into her space.  Admittedly it was an odd thing … but many odd things happened in her life lately.  And all of the men are interesting and charming and great people to have as friends.

One used to be a DJ for a New York City radio station and he shared the same speech issues as King George (or Colin Firth as Alice preferred to think of him).  Fascinating man, amazingly intelligent, with an endless capacity to come up with startling facts that, in spite of being irrelevant, suited any given situation.  They decided she was his reincarnated Sicilian Grandmother, so to be more than friends seemed incestuous.
 
Of course there was the Rocket Scientist, who wins the prize for the Most Fascinating Man ever!  He gave Alice a photo of the surface of Mars that looks like he was standing there.  She was going to share a smaller copy with Obama before he mis-pronounced Oso four times. That has to be a record of some kind –  doing that to a three-letter word.  She figured it was Inslee’s fault.  He was so anxious to get his face in every picture, he didn’t property prep the Prez.



There is also the Disciple of Jesus who drives a limo and told her God sent him to protect her.  The owner of Blade Chevrolet, a wonderful human being. The Health Department guy who is the smartest man on the planet in Alice’s eyes. (Even smarter than her realtor, Lego Man.) 

A couple of other Knights of the Blade Table who drive Chevys and love cookies.  One of them reminds Alice of Stringer Bell in “The Wire.”  It’s all about the precision of the facial hair.
 
 
So far so good.  Alice feels great!  She can walk better because JR insisted that she walk over uneven ground without her cane.  It felt like Boot Camp, but paid off when she was able to scramble down to the river’s edge by herself when he was nowhere around.



On Sunday, Alice is making her world famous Lasagna with Fontina cheese and her special garlic cheese bread for JR and Joe.


 
Dessert will be fuzz-less peaches with ice cream.



Needless to say, Heinrich will be out of town for the day.  It is, after all, Father’s Day and he is the beloved father of many.

As luck would have it, Alice found this song on YouTube by Lou Reed, a guy she'd never heard of before.  It’s a little racy for her, and it’s a good thing her grandchildren don’t read her stories.  But it does tie in nicely with the title of this phase of her life.  Certainly not the content!

YouTube Lou Reed Walk on the Wild Side


 

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